Ethan and I went to the library the other day, looking for B-rated movies.* We found a few promising ones, but most of the old-timey movies looked like they actually had some quality actors involved. So we ditched the old-timey stuff and went with Twilight instead. We’ve heard it’s hokey, so we gave it a shot.
*For those of you unfamiliar with the term, the B rating stands for Boring. But not just boring – boring in a campy, hilarious way. The kind of film that makes you want to have a whole conversation with the characters onscreen, while mocking the cinematography. Think of the late 50’s Forbidden Planet or Tarantula!
Now, for all you Twilight fans out there, let me start this off with a caveat: I don’t like Twilight. I’m not planning on waging war anytime soon, I’m just not much of a fan of romance novels, and when you add shiny skin and poor writing, I just have a really hard time taking it seriously. So it’s not like I was expecting this movie to take my breath away.
But wow. I mean, wow. About 20 minutes into the film, we started looking for anything good about the movie. We thought the actor who played the dad, Charlie, was pretty good. He was a believable dad. But at the end of the movie, we decided that Twilight might have been the worst film either of us has ever seen.
Which is a shame, because it could have been good. If they’d replaced all the actors (except Charlie), and hired a new cinematographer, and composed a new soundtrack, and written a new script with believable dialogue, and changed some key plot elements… and based it on a different book. I mean, the concept of a vampire-human romance really isn’t new, and it’s been done well in the past. It was just done really, really poorly here. From start to finish. I can’t even blame the actors – they weren’t great, but it’s really hard to pull off a good role when your character is about as dynamic as a pair of pants.**
**Some language, but this review is quite informative.
Here are a few things I would change, just in the scripting process, to make this film/book/general plotline more believable:
- Every boy at school wants to date Bella.
Edward hates Bella.
Bella goes for a boy who’s interested.
- Edward glares at Bella all the time.
Bella walks up to Edward and asks, “Did I pee in your Wheaties or something? What are you staring at me for?”
- Bella wakes up to find Edward in her bedroom.
Bella: How did you get in my bedroom?
Edward: I came through the window.
Bella: Have you done this before?
Edward: Only for a few months. I like to watch you sleep. I find it fascinating.
Bella: I’m gonna go downstairs now, and tell my dad – the police chief – to fill out a restraining order.
- Bella looks up “The Cold Ones” online (not to be confused with a “Refreshingly Cool One“). Instead of looking up a book and then going out of her way to buy it, she looks up the perfectly free, point-and-click information the internet was designed for. Much more efficient, don’t you think?
- Edward: You should stay away from me.
Bella: You started this conversation.
Edward: I’m dangerous.
Bella: I’ll leave, then.
Edward: I don’t think I’m strong enough to stay away from you anymore.
Bella: That’s fine. I’m strong enough to stay away from you. Bye!
Seriously. Maybe I just have a really practical relationship, devoid of supernatural hobbies like bloodsucking and such, but I just have a really hard time believing that America’s ideal romantic relationship is this level of stupid, stalking, and possible illegality. Add to that the cheapest-made movie of all time, and you’ve got a great comedy on your hands. ♦