Is This Depression, Or Am I Just Depressed?

Is anybody else having a hard time functioning, or is it just me?

For the past few weeks, I haven’t been eating well. That’s because in order to eat food, I need to actually make food. Like, a sandwich. I look at the bread and the cheese and I think, “Well, I can make it another hour.”

I haven’t been sleeping well, either. I keep staying up late trying to feel like I’ve accomplished something, which is ridiculous, because if you’ve ever seen me try to accomplish something while exhausted, it’s something like watching a drunk woman trying to hula-hoop on one foot.

I skipped book club yesterday. I put the baby in the stroller, walked the two blocks to book club, and discovered I was falling asleep while walking. So I came home, went to bed, got up to eat dinner with Ethan, and went back to bed. Still didn’t end up asleep until after midnight, because my body just isn’t used to it.

I don’t even want to talk about the kitchen right now.

All this has led me to wondering: when did the basic stuff get so hard? I mean, I graduated high school. And college. I served a mission. I have literally climbed mountains. So why is it so hard to make it from breakfast to nap time? Fellow moms: is this normal for a first-child experience? And how do I get myself back up to speed? Like, any speed? ♦


2 thoughts on “Is This Depression, Or Am I Just Depressed?

  1. I struggle with depression regularly anyway, but I did find that it was hard to find meaning in my life after having Audrey. I was super bored at home. It was hard to find motivation, when my life felt so monotonous. As Audrey got older, it got easier. I was able to find my place as a mom and retain my sense of self better. I also went on medication. I hope it gets easier. Depression is hard. I lose interest in food, and reading, and sleep terribly when I am depressed.

    Annie Janmohamed

  2. Hi Rachel, the newborn era was like this for me. It was so hard. I was always tired; exhausted, and stopped looking forward to things. What made it worse was that everyone told me that time would be amazing, and that they loved babies. I felt shame and guilt for having such a hard time (part of it was the feeling that I was never alone as well). Don’t be hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. Don’t worry about cooking or cleaning. Find time to sleep, and perhaps some hours of respite away from mothering. If it makes you feel better I don’t think I’ve cooked in the last year, I’ve given up on my house, and we can’t find the mouse that seemed to find a way in. But I’m okay with all of that now. I’m on meds, and I’m okay with that. It definitely has helped.

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