Last night, in the wee hours of the morning, I was having a weird and terrifying dream.
I was dreaming that somebody had sent me “100 things that will make you happy” or something like that, Buzzfeed-style. I was just kind of going from picture to picture, finding cute things like puppies and stuff. And for some reason, every time I went through one of those pictures, I was actually experiencing something similar…in my shower. I mean, I was fully clothed, just looking at things depicted in a shower.
For example, there was one picture that went something like, “Did you know that…” and it started talking about the world’s biggest spider, or jumpingest spider, or something like that. And I was sitting there in the shower, holding an enormous, spooky-looking rubber spider that was hanging from a rubber cement line on the shower ceiling. And while I was pondering the enormity of this spider, a voice was narrating, telling me how far these spiders could swing on this line of webbing. The object lesson in my hands just made the point more clearly.
As I pondered this hideous rubber spider, I got a little nervous about the rest of the post I was going to wade through. The narrator’s voice was soothing enough, but before I started “reading”(?) the post, I had scanned through some of the pictures, and there were some Australian-and-trying-to-kill-you spiders down toward the bottom. And I wasn’t too thrilled to see anything that looked like that – rubber or not – on my shower wall.
Maybe I’m just prejudiced against ugly animals. Sue me.
So I went forward with a few more “posts,” learning things about whatever I was learning about. Sometimes things would show up in the shower,sometimes they wouldn’t. The narrator was pretty constant. A few posts later, a little jar appeared on the shelf in the shower, and as I opened the lid a bit to look inside, a tiny spider poked its head out, crawled out of the jar, and plopped onto the shelf. It moved forward an inch or so, then stopped.
Now, when I say that this spider was tiny, I’m lying. It was tiny compared with the Brazilian eat-your-face-off rubber monstrosity I had been dealing with earlier. This”tiny” spider, by all normal North American non-tarantula standards, was actually pretty sizable. It was about the size of an un-shelled peanut. In fact, it kind of looked like a peanut. A yellow, fuzzy peanut with legs and eight eyes. And little fangs. It was actually kind of cute and kind of terrifying at the same time.
By this, I mean that when it was moving really slowly, I thought it was kind of cute. It also seemed cute because I assumed it was robotic. Given that all the object lessons previously had been rubber or in some other way synthetic, I thought this was reasonable. It also moved rather slowly and mechanically.
Until, of course, my heart stopped racing from the surprise and I said, “Wow, what a great robot!” At that point, spidery hell broke loose.
I don’t remember how the thing got from the shelf to the floor, but the next thing I knew, I was backed up against the toilet while the thing kind of hid under the bathroom rug, deciding on its next move. It darted here and there, but slowly weaving its way toward me. By this point, I was pretty certain the thing was not a robot.
The narrator had been prattling this whole time, but I hadn’t been paying attention. I came in as his calm, soothing voice said, “…very aggressive, and has been known to sexually assault sheep.”
What? What?! I’m standing in my bathroom on tiptoes, and in order to get through the door to safety, I have to get past an aggressive spider that could not only kill me, but has somehow figured out a way to violate a mammal a million times its size. Fantastic. How is that even possible?
It was about this point that the spider decided to take a noted interest in my toes. It rushed me, and I danced the international dance of the heebie-jeebies. I screeched – I would call it a scream, but it came out more as a high-pitched ghost moan.
Meanwhile, Ethan was having a rather pleasant dream about jumping off a tall building into the arms of a man who was simultaneously Richard Hammond from Top Gear and Robert Downey, Jr.
After landing safely on the ground, he came into the hallway to give me his computer. He didn’t want it getting wet during the water fight that was about to start. He heard me screaming, and ran to my rescue.
He woke up to me actually screaming and kicking frantically at the covers. Mercifully, he woke me up as well. I thanked him.
I don’t think either of us should be allowed to eat that much Easter candy again. All I know is, after I finally let myself go back to sleep (after about ten minutes, just to be sure the peanut-spider didn’t return), I was really glad my dreams were less terrifying.
I’m also really glad the narrator never made it down to those Australian spiders at the end. Ick. ♦