How To Wake Up Without Coffee

For most of America, the most important part of the morning routine is a hefty cup of coffee. The caffeine takes the edge off of that “I’m totally still supposed to be in bed” feeling, I’m told. But as a Mormon, I don’t drink coffee for religious reasons. So how do I get out of bed? Well, for those of you who want to try the extreme – the coffeeless morning experience, I’ll share with you my secret. I take my morning in a few simple stages:

My first stage is when I start to leave dreamland, realize that I’m not actually covered in nickels and dancing on a football field, and come to terms with the fact that it’s morning. I’m still not happy about it, but I remember that the conscious world exists. At this stage, my eyes aren’t open yet, and my mouth can only make grunting noises.

The second stage begins when I can say words – usually just one or two – and I drag myself out of bed. Then the staggering begins. Coordination is low, not aided by my closed eyes.

Stage three: eyes are starting to open, blinking, still running into things.

By stage four, I’m completing sentences (although grammar is suffering. At this point, I’m mostly in control of my body, but still moving at a sloth’s pace, and still hitting walls occasionally. They just kind of sneak up on me.

Stage five is totally functional. This usually happens around mid-morning, regardless of what time I got out of bed. I’ve been trying to speed this process along by trying to go to bed earlier, eating happy foods (like nachos or chocolate milk) to get me excited about the day, and exercising or taking naps whenever I get the chance. But when it really comes down to it, I don’t think my body is built for early winter mornings.

So there you have it! Here’s how to get up in the morning, caffeine-free and functional by 11 am!

Maybe I should up the dose on the nachos and chocolate milk… ♦

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