I check my blog stats once in a while, and I like to look at the search terms that lead people to my site. It kind of makes my heart feel all warm and fuzzy to know that Google would direct anybody’s search to my writing. But there are some search terms that frankly confuse me. With some, I sit and wonder why the search engine led that term to my site. Other times, I just sit and think to myself, “Somebody actually typed that into a search engine?” Here are a few of the foremost gems:
- una imagen de pants
- dog begging legs
Is the dog begging for legs? Is the dog begging at my legs? Is this a new demeaning term – do I have dog-begging legs?
- hidden squirt gun
Best idea yet.
- non traditional engagement notice
“Well, we might as well!”
“We don’t hate each other anymore!”
- horrible bald spot
I beg your pardon.
- i am defeated
By a search engine?
- haiku poems about final exams
On swift wings, with fast grading.
Hope I get an A.
- lobster tub
Sadly, this one is perfectly relevant.
- really weird people
You are at the right blog. Well done, Google.
- wise vend chips
Anybody who’s ever bought chips from a vending machine should doubt the wisdom of such a decision. It usually ends in tears and violence.
- where to buy bagel hot dogs
I am also interested in the answer to this question.
- shreks feet
Yup. He’s got ’em.
- shrek legs
- shrek pants
Okay, you’re scaring me.
- alaska living
…and the slightly less exciting sequel, “Minnesota dying.”
- hoboken curly fries
- ken burns missionaries
This sounds like a really weird religious take on the Civil War. All of my historical paradigms have just shifted. I have no idea which way is up anymore.
- creepy appearance
Richard Simmons photobombing any occasion.
- elegy for a death of a grampie
Whoever talks like this needs to be my friend. And I’m going to start calling all old men “grampie.”
- “death by papercut”
I find that a little “lemon juice” or some “teriyaki” will do the trick.
- scary wallpapers with innocent couples
Who. Searches. For. This?
- wordpress dating mishaps blog
Thank you, Google, for your vote of confidence in my love life.
- the lift side of a woolly mammoth
Which side of a woolly mammoth is the “lift side”?
- evil laughing computer genius
Yup. That describes most things I do.
- smackwater jack leroy brown
Not only is this person fantastically cool, they’ve also given me inspiration for the name of my firstborn child.
- the good and the bad point of explosive
There’s a bad point?
- using sod for table runner
Again – this is one I’ve actually written about. Am I a weird person?
- no long pants sign
Have you ever seen a long pants sign? Is this a street sign or an astrological sign?
- blind man can see
- stupid lawnmower
I feel like the time you start blaming the lawnmower is the time you should ditch the lawnmower, buy a goat, and seek professional help.
- verb for driving a submarine
Pilot? Navigate? … If you’re in a position to write about this submarine, shouldn’t you already know this?
- what to expect from will.i.am & me hd wallpaper
Rodin, Will Smith, and large green glasses
- law officer purple slacks
I don’t feel like I need to comment on this one.
- dirtiest fridge ever
Thanks. Thanks again, Google.
- never yield
I never do. Be warned, pedestrians. Be warned.
- parable of the bling man
I want to read this Bible.
- old flush toilet
What exactly were you expecting this search to come up with?
- award winning hot dogs
I’ll take “Things I wish I was eating right now” for $100, Alex.
- penguins wedding card
I don’t even know any penguins…