A Treatise on Spiders

As Halloween approaches, there are a lot of scary things you may find out there – some of them man-made, and some of them quite natural. Spiders, as it is commonly known, exploit the month of October to put some fun into their small, short lives. This usually results in innocent humans having the heebie-jeebies scared out of them. In preparation for the rest of the month, I suggest you study up on your more common spider varieties:

The Bedroom Spider

 This is the spider that waits until you’re just about to turn off the light, then makes its creepy appearance. Usually found on ceilings, directly above your pillow.

The Bathroom Spider

 

With the possible exception of the drain spider, this is the creepiest variety on the face of the planet. Usually consisting of a violin-shaped body with disproportionately long legs, the bathroom spider will wait until you are vulnerably devoid of pants, and then proceed to scurry across your feet.

The Office Spider

This is one of the more mundane varieties of spider, because it is generally made of rubber. Before you pick it up to throw at someone, however, you might want to poke it with a stick just to make sure it’s a fake.

The Drain Spider

God’s science experiment gone horribly wrong, drain spiders are usually long, thin, and weirdly reddish. They are rare and shy, and very slow-moving. They usually only venture out in public around near-sighted persons, in the morning, before glasses or contact lenses reveal their presence.

The Hobo Spider

We’re not talking brown recluse here – this hobo spider is thus named because of behavior patterns. This is the traveling spider you saw in the bathroom on Tuesday, but then it disappeared when you threw your shoe at it. By Thursday, it had gotten its way downstairs, and hid under the couch when you went for a rolled-up newspaper. Chances are, you’ve seen one. Chances are, you still have one.

The Dropping Spider

You know him. He thinks he’s a riot.

The Possum Spider

This spider has been lurking in the same corner since your older brother’s kindergarten graduation, playing dead. But when you finally get the ambition to sweep all the cobwebs off the front porch, he pulls out a miracle and comes back from the dead just long enough to make you pee yourself when he bolts from the corner.

Happy Halloween, everybody! ♦

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