How to Pick Up Guys

My cousin and I went wandering the other day. As we meandered through residential Provo, we found a disturbing sign that said, “For Rent, [phone number]… MEN”.  Now, I’m sure it was a men’s apartment. I’m sure they wanted to clearly communicate that they were not going to be renting to any ladies. But when one sees a sign that offers men for rent, one simply has to wonder about the community he or she has just moved into.

Which led us to a discussion about how to pick up members of the opposite sex. (Not literally, of course; that’s just a matter of strength and leverage.) In Provo, the tactics change a bit; the bar scene is nonexistent (and not where I would go to pick up guys anyway), most – if not all – single adults are students, and are ridiculously poor. Also, the town is a little silly. It’s the sort of place you would find sofas on wheels or formal parties held in swimming pools. So our attention-getting tactics not only had to be ridiculous, but also had to be cheap-as-free.

Unfortunately, neither of us has a great deal of time on our hands, either. I can’t vouch for my kin, but I myself have only a few precious hours in the week for flirtatious escapades, which means that our ridiculous, cheap-as-free tactics also need to be ridiculously fast and effective. Which basically means we would have only seconds to get a person’s attention before decision time: “Wow; I’ve only known you for 20 seconds, but I really think we should date,” is the reaction we’re looking for.

And, because we don’t mind a little rejection, we’re also looking for pick-up means that are ridiculously funny. My (male) cousin is currently om favor of driving a pick-up truck full of guys up to BYU campus, stopping in front of a large group of attractive young women, and yelling, “Look! Girls!” in his best (and cheesiest) anime voice. Would they be interested? Probably not. Would it be hilarious? Absolutely yes. Another of his brilliant plans involves re-enacting Old Spice commercials, with fitting variations. I joked about carrying around a tub of bacon to attract men, but got a little disgusted with the idea when a coworker actually said, “That would be awesome! You should do a perfume; I would love to date a girl who smelled like bacon!”  My favorite concept involves simply driving up to random people, rolling down the window, and yelling, “Get in the car! No time to explain!” The problem, of course, is that whoever we managed to “pick up” this way might also be extremely gullible, and/or haunted by a victim complex.

In conclusion, it’s no wonder that I’m still single. What are your favorite silly pick-up lines? ◊




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