The Good, the Bad, and the Explosive

It’s time for a movie review! We’ve seen a few movies lately, and here at the Cope household, we’d like to advise and warn you of some of the messages in today’s media. So here’s what we’ve learned in the past few weeks, compliments of Hollywood:

The Green Lantern:

  • Never underestimate the power of gravity.
  • All good superheroes have a favorite color, which can take on mythical proportions in an important climactic moment.
  • Anything with tentacles is scary.

Transformers 3:

  • Even a pretty girl can’t save a bad movie.
  • If you spend 10 minutes talking about a missile, you really ought to be prepared to fire the stupid thing.
  • Robots bleed.
  • Even the bad guy’s car is a bad guy.
  • Physics is irrelevant.
  • Anything with tentacles is scary.

Season of the Witch:

  • When in doubt, add zombies. Zombie monks, if possible.
  • Showing compassion leads to death and destruction.
  • If you’re too old to get the girl, be prepared to die a horrible death – even if you’re the main hero.
  • That rickety bridge won’t break until after all the main characters have crossed.

Hellboy:

  • All good romances begin and end in fiery explosion.
  • Russian monks never die.
  • You choose your own destiny. Even if you’re red, horned, 7 feet tall, and genetically predestined for evil.
  • Anything with tentacles is scary.

Top Gear: (not a movie, but we watch a good deal of it.)

  • Everything is better on fire.
  • You can do anything you want if you drive a Jag.
  • Mini-vans and campers are of the devil.
  • Never underestimate your back-up nerds. Especially when driving a rocket-propelled ski jump in Norway.
  • Toyota pick-ups never die.

I have come to conclude that the ultimate movie climax would go something like this:

Our hero, who is huge, misshapen, and middle-aged (with skin in his favorite color – let’s say it’s lilac,) is in love with a pretty girl who is way too young for him, and who can’t act. Our villain is a 400-year-old Russian zombie monk, who drives a Jag. Also, the Jag is evil and can transform into a large robot with writhing tentacles and buzz-saw blades with flame-throwers. Hero assembles a team of cameo actors to save the planet, but they are all killed in spectacular, close-up fashion and fall great distances, only to explode upon impact with the ground, after delivering a signature line. The pretty girl is taken hostage and held in a very creative, precarious situation, but not killed, while minor characters fall like flies about her feet. The villain’s henchmen appear in a diesel-powered mini-van, only to discover that the missile they’ve been looking for for the past hour and a half has mysteriously disappeared into a gaping plot hole. Not having anything better to do, they begin to threaten the pretty girl, prompting our hero to discharge a volley of violent, lilac-colored laser energy that destroys every baddie who is not either a zombie or covered in tentacles. After a lengthy exchange of witty comments, we discover that our hero and our villain have a secret rivalry – that neither of them was aware of until this moment – that began in grammar school. Our villainous Russian monk incapacitates our hero, shoves him into a camper, and straps the whole thing to a couple of high-powered rockets at the top of a ski jump that leads directly into a black hole that has been recently reopened on accident by a stray bolt of lilac energy from Hero. But as he begins his descent, the hero contacts his nerd squad, who stop time long enough for Hero to burn off the straps that hold him bound, crawl to the roof of the camper, and leap onto a Toyota that is plunging down the ski jump simultaneously. He throws the pick-up into proper gear, and flies down the mountain at unprecedented speeds, missing the black hole and landing on top of the evil Jag, which bursts into flames (and metallic blood) and crushes the villain. The pretty girl is saved, but the hero is too old for her, so he dies of an infected paper-cut several weeks later. The Chief Nerd gets the girl – and the sequel.

Unfortunately, we don’t seem to have the funds to start film production yet. But in the meantime, please enjoy this clip of Jeremy Clarkson being chased by baddies in a Corvette:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWBjy9Zkjok&feature=related

If you’re impatient, start the clip at 4:15. And then sit back and enjoy good art. ♦

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s